Let's talk about Addiction!

I have interviewed my brother-in-law, Joshua Kear, for today's blog to share his experience with all of us. First, let's have a little introduction:

I've got a very cluttered background. My name is Joshua Kear. I am 37 years old, and I grew up in Louisiana and mountains all over the place. I started struggling with identity issues. Just how I saw myself, a lot of depression at an early age, from ages 11 to 13. That's where things began, smoking, doing, and progressing into casual drug use and a lot of drinking. I was a major at Louisiana Tech in Fine Art Photography and Painting, where I met your lovely sister. And in that course of time, I had always known the kind of man I wanted to be, going to Christian Athletic Camps.

I was raised by a strong Christian father, had a brother who became a Pastor, and knew who I wanted to be, but kind of gave God half of my heart, and I thought I could hold part of that for, I lost myself. So by the time I married your sister, had my first kid, and tried to become the man I dreamed of being. I forgot who that was. I was caught up in alcoholism for the next, I'd say, seven or eight years of hardcore alcoholism which eventually led to a suicide attempt. I had no idea coming from God's grace and a lot of pulling in other directions. I ended up in Conway, Arkansas. When I got to Conway, it still took me a while to get help. When I did, I went to a faith-based rehab called Renewal Ranch.

I lived on campus for a year. Trying to get up in that process, I was asked to stay on and help out with some minor photography, which led to my moving my family to rehab for the next six years and living on campus. I got to work with over 300 men in drugs and alcoholism and ended up being the Associate Director for the next three or so years. And just becoming more and more broken, more and more willing to listen to God's will for my life. I am more inclined to just live under his authority because I made God my savior at an early age, but I never made him Lord. I always thought everything needed to be done in my own power and that I had to be tough enough, and that I had to make things happen the way I thought they needed to be. That has proved to be completely false. My best thinking got me where I didn't want to go and lead me, you know, cost me more than I wanted to, pay me longer than I wanted to stay, and it was how I get out of, but after that, I'm now sitting at "what are we?" In September, I have almost nine years of sobriety, and I have worked with the juvenile courts with the youth mentoring and Conway police officer for the past three years.

I want to start off by saying that today's blog is coming from a very personal means, and I'm going to be talking about some things that I don't really talk about very much. They're powerful things that have been tough to deal with and tough to talk about.

What a blessing! Joshua will tell us what exactly it took for you to seek help whenever that happened nine years ago.

It took way too much. I am hard-headed. If nothing else, I can remember you scaring the daylights out of me in my house, trying to get me to get help.

When you have a loved one struggling with addiction, it wreaks havoc on your family because you see them hurting, trying to numb the pain with whatever substance they're using, and it truly is painful. Addiction is powerful, and it takes the individual reaching a certain point in their life to do whatever it takes, whenever the light bulb comes off, and it has to be for them. And when I tell people, we're looking at addiction, we're looking at many different things. Josh struggled with alcohol, and there might be people out there that might be working with a different kind of addiction, like hardcore drugs, it could be gambling, it could be sex, it could be food, it could be shopping, it can be electronics, and the internet things. Addiction comes in the form of many different things. Josh's addiction was alcohol, so when we talk about addiction, I want to spotlight Josh because he's such a personal and strong testimony that we all can use to witness that addiction is not a death sentence, and I know your reference. He attempted suicide, and that's a lot of times. What happens when we're dealing with that addiction, you just can't entirely break it. You couldn't. You would do well and then relax and drink. My only thought processes you have given up because you have felt so many times you just like, "I can't do this anymore."

Yeah, I think when you asked what it took to get right, what it took to ask for help, just listening to you now when you say it was hurting all those family members after a suicide attempt, I remember walking with my best friend trying to rehab and walk again and try to get my faculties back and asked him, tell me what he was going through all the time that year and it blew my mind. The hard time he was talking about was me trying to commit suicide because, throughout that whole process, I was only hurting myself in my own head. I was failing everyone else, but I was only hurting myself, and I couldn't see that, and we talked about addiction. Mine was alcoholism. I was addicted to myself. I was addicted to making sure my needs were met. I was addicted to making sure I was the center of the world and that everything revolved around me. My pain was more important than others; just as I said, I only saw what I was doing myself. Alcohol was just a symptom.

You struggled early on with identity issues, and I never was really interested in addiction and whatnot until Josh. I say that because it was so personal. I became so passionate about it because I loved him so much, I love him now, and I saw the struggle he was going through, and so now today, to this day, I work with kids and recovery, and it is just like my passion, I love it, and it truly is. I want to cry thinking about it because it was supposed to be a God thing. I didn't even look for this. It was just amazing. But whenever we think about addiction, whether it's alcohol, drugs, or all these other different forms of addiction, it's deriving from some sort of pain. Whether it's self-medicating depression or anxiety or bipolar or trying to identify with a particular group and that peer pressure and fitting in. There are so many different facets, but the number one from my clinical practice that I see or know just an everyday thing is whether it's trauma or emotions or mood, people self-drug. There's so much hope, but it takes genuine self-reflect to see that what you're doing is self-destructive. When Josh said that he struggles with identity issues, that hit home because I tell parents, it's not as simple as your kid smoking weed. It's not that simple. Your kids self-medicate. We've got to teach them how to cope with their emotions like it's mandatory because if they don't, they're going to keep that cycle, and it will become an addictive behavior. Here's how Josh's recovery story has really looked through these nine years.

At first, when we talked about our identities and when I went to the ranch, and Rachel likes to bring up the point, my identity was based on my alcoholism. My identity was based on my trauma, how tough I was, how bad I was, all these things, but I would introduce myself as Josh. I'm an alcoholic because that's who I was until my identity changed. My actions didn't.

So the first part of my recovery was finding out who I was in Christ and who he said I was. And once I started embracing the identity, He created for me, not the mistakes and the self-assumed identity that I had wrong, I was able to find freedom in that. So once I saw that space, I got to dive into the fact that I was worthy of love, that I was His child, and that I had a purpose. I might not know that purpose. If you told me it was to get to move to Arkansas to become a cop, I wouldn't have come. So God gave me that purpose in little steps. First, I was just asked for help. The second was to go get help, and the third was to start helping others and then just seek where His will would lead me. I built up a hatred for addiction, but I also built up a love for my family and my God that I didn't have before. I had one. I just didn't know how to love, right? I didn't know how to love myself at all. One of the biggest things I had to go through was when I ended up teaching later how to forgive yourself and then how to forgive others, and that process of letting go of those burdens gave me so much freedom. And the most significant part of my recovery has been giving back. I don't think I would still be sober if I wasn't allowed to help others because getting out of myself has helped me the most.

That's powerful! I tell you, I get a lot of flak for this when I say this being a provider, we look for and treat addiction. We give that label, alcohol addiction, stimulant, all these different types of diagnoses, and I always get convicted because I disagree with Josh's philosophy Josh. I agree because my belief is in the Lord. We have power in our words, death, and life, and the tongue's ability is precisely what you said. You know, "I'm Josh. I'm an alcoholic." Josh was confessing that to be who you are, your identity is why the cycle was never broken. I have had some success stories. I've heard many success stories with "AA," and I'm not trying to say that it's not a good program, but I am an avid believer in the Lord and the deliverance. I tell whenever I have struggling patients, and I say if they're a believer, we've gotta go faith-based, the longer the recovery, the more success you're gonna have because I believe if you're giving up something, you've got to replace it with something.

If you're giving up alcohol, there's a void that's already what you're trying to fill. And I believe God can fill every bit of your gap and start working on your heart, just like you said, and finding out who you are and your identity and whatnot. Within the medical profession, especially psychiatry, we take the "AA" role. I agree with 100% of what Josh says. I believe in God. I think that God can fill that void.

Personally, I'm 100% for anything that works. It works for you. Go for it. But it wouldn't work correctly for me because I still knew how to run things, and I wasn't going to do things their way. So "AA" didn't fail me. I definitely failed that program, but I found something that worked for me, and I'll still go to meeting with someone if they need it, just whatever it takes. And I think each person has that for me. I was on psychological medication when I went to the ranch. I came off of it for a while. Later after dealing with my trauma for four or five years into recovery, we finally started working through the trauma because before that, we were just dealing with symptoms. Then we started dealing with that, but before that, we were dealing with the symptoms. When we finally got to the trauma, we started dealing with some medications again then, so it was a process. We had to peel back the onion layers and what I was willing to let people in. What I wasn't even acknowledged ever happened to me. That took me a long time to even come back to grips with events.

Absolutely! That goes back to dealing with the root of the problem. As Josh said, "I don't even have to come back off of that." He said it exactly right! Getting to the root of the problem when you find true healing, but I will input this when we're dealing with trauma. It is widespread for us to start medications and increase medications while you're dealing with that. In the end, a lot of times, you come off of drugs because there's healing, there's peace, there's deliverance there, and so absolutely, that's awesome, that's good.

Josh's most significant piece of advice for someone who is watching a loved one struggling or they're struggling personally with addiction:

The most common thing I see with loved ones, and it's hard advice, though, is that you've got to stop enabling, and when you stop promoting, the person will fall further, and it's gonna be painful to watch. But when all the safety nets are in place, it's hard for someone to ask for help politically and be willing to do what it takes but love them and pray to them through it. I mean, I genuinely believe I'm alive on the prayers of so many powerful Children of God in my life. I don't think I would have lived through some of the stuff I did. As far as someone going through it, ask for help and be willing to do what it takes, but just be honest with yourself. You know that you don't have to hold it all together. You're not the person who must be strong enough. You've got to find a higher power, a God, a relationship, a support system more substantial than you because you're obviously not strong enough if you're falling into these substances.

I have to input this right here. Rachel would tell me stories talking about being hard-headed. Rachel would tell me these stories, and so "there's no way these are real, Rachel, this guy is crazy" this was back when she and Josh first started dating. She should say, "oh my gosh, his friends told me the exact same story. He's not crazy about just how like Crate." Josh lived life on the edge. Before he went through and went into recovery at the ranch, I told Josh God had a plan for him. God is keeping you because of some of the things that you have gone through and experienced. It's nothing but the grace of God that Josh is still on this earth, and he knows it too. I've heard him say it, and I know God is doing such mighty and amazing things through him that it lights up my heart every time I see Josh. It really does because he's just a walking testimony. He really is. He is a walking testimony, but he has a heart for God and a heart for other people. Josh said that he knows God wants him to serve, and I just want to take the time to publicly acknowledge you for being such an amazing and having such a servant's heart. Thank you for all you do for our community.

Josh went through Renewal Ranch out of Conway, Arkansas and the program was phenomenal. Josh can attest when he was there for many years, given back, and went through the program.

Here's about him getting into the program and being so determined that he even slept on the floor.

I don't think I was determined to get in. I was really hoping they'd say no. But, when they did say yes, I was open to doing what doors were available to me. What was open to me was a floor on the bed or a bed on the bottom of a chapel with 6 to 8, 10 guys at that time. I slept there for the first three months I was there, and within that year, I got to leave my son to Christ on that same floor right at the same spot.

How long is the recovery process?

I don't think it ever ends.

That's not to say that this is a lifelong journey of coping healthily. Giving back and making sure you're staying in touch. Whenever he started on the police force, I remember telling Josh my concern was like Josh. "I know you're gonna see a lot. You're gonna deal with a lot. Please make sure you stay in touch with your counselor or have your therapist on speed dial because I don't want, I didn't want it to trigger, you know, a poor coping mechanism was a fear." It was straight out of fearing me. I also asked him if there was a time when he had to really kind of keep checking in. I know he said about the 5 to 6-year mark. He started uncovering things but is he still checking in with your counselor and therapist?

I am. I've got a great one. He was out of fellowship where I go to church, but he's an incredible counselor. But he's met with me through the process ranch. He's also kept his door open to me for any trauma I received on the force. And, you know, I've had critical incidents. I've had different things come up. The first overdose I went to was a young man I'd worked with for years at the ranch, and I couldn't revive him. So I still had that in my head, and it was a hard time. So I check my spirit with my Christian brothers. But then also, I'm open to going to counseling at any point. I think there are a lot of times that's needed, especially in law enforcement.

The recovery process processes lifelong, and it's just across the board, no matter whether it's drugs, alcohol, games, anything, and it's continuously checking yourself emotionally, especially during stressful events, that you're coping healthily. Like Josh said earlier, many times take a lot of self-evaluation because sometimes, and I say this sometimes when we go through traumatic events or just stress a lot of times if we don't deal with it emotionally. Healthy it exhibits in our behavior. We get more snappy or withdrawn, and we don't realize it. I find it very beneficial to have a therapist continuously. So you know, just to check in once a month, "Hey, I might not be doing as well as I thought."

So I was having dinner tonight, I'm from the New Orleans area, and they said, you know, we want to go back and said, well I can't go for another year and a half because I made a commitment, I won't go back to my hometown until I've got 10 years sobriety. We each have to look at what's safe for us. So in that recovery process, I found that the healthier I get, the more I see flaws that I had neglected before, so the closer I get to Jesus, the more I say I need him. I don't think that should ever end.

Now, Josh will talk about how much recovery came from a closer walk with God versus just going to rehab or removing yourself from the scene. The people, people, and places.

I think removing myself from that scene, the good friends I stay in touch with. For me, Christ did what no one else could. There is no taking any glory with him on that. Finding a faith-based facility that removes you from society gives you time to heal and work on yourself, but at the same time, doing that gives your family and loved one's time to heal without having to deal with you daily. Honestly, many people needed to recover from what I did more than I needed to heal from what I did. So I think they go hand in hand, but if you take Jesus out of that equation, I watched the recovery rate go from somewhere around 70 to around 40% nationwide as far as rehabilitation centers go.

Well, I know Josh has such a robust support system. His parents walked every single step. It's crucial to have a robust support system. But again, we're dealing with addiction, and sometimes those supports are broken because of behaviors, but that doesn't mean that you can't still get help. Obviously, having good support is helpful, but you know there's still hope.

Well, there's always hope, and everyone is worthy of love. Everyone's worth Christ's love. Everyone's got a calling in their lives. Half the time, I'm giving my testimony and trying to bring hope to the people I'm arresting. I mean, that's my current walk in my current industry. But don't lose hope, don't stop praying. And we aren't afraid to try a different way. I want to say thank you, Abby, for all your support through the years. You've been a rock and a source of encouragement on advice I didn't want to hear and putting the foot down when I needed the foot put down. So I appreciate that.

If you have any questions, even if you know someone that might be struggling or if you have any questions just mental health-related, post them. Also, if you want to message me any private questions or any treatment facilities you have. I'll give any type of recommendation that I can possibly help in any way I can.